It all started
with an intense searching for the way to peace and strength. The search led me
to this book called ‘Buddhism for Mothers’ that my friend and mother pointed me
to.
In a Zen (Buddhist)
retreat, one would ‘withdraw from the worldly busyness’ and learn to sit with
oneself, breathe deeply, become mindful of simple things like eating, walking,
bathing, etc. and sometimes sit in silence. In essence, one would learn to slow
down and become intensely aware of the present moment, realizing that there is
really nothing more important than that. Motherhood (especially spending the
early years with one’s child) is a huge life-time opportunity for a beautiful
experience. Here are all the various aspects of the retreat. Acknowledging and
honoring all these made my second year of motherhood a powerfully
transformative experience.
Living one moment at a time. I came face to
face with my own addiction to being busy and packing my day with lots of
things to accomplish. I had truly lost my ability to relax along with the ability to be fully aware
of what is going on inside and around me in the present moment. Young children
(whose minds are free from fear) are oblivious to the past and unconcerned
about the future. They are fully present in their bodies seeing objects, people
and events with fresh eyes and a sense of wonder. I am learning to bring back
my attention to the present moment in two ways. When there are a few things
screaming for attention at the same time, like Isha falling down and getting
hurt, the water on the stove boiling, the phone ringing, the door-bell ringing,
it is easy to succumb to the madness of running about in a state of frenzy,
feeling like a helpless victim of the situation and cursing it. In those moments,
I’ve learned to breathe deeply, taking complete responsibility for that
situation, becoming intensely aware of what is required of me in that moment.
This has always helped me to think and prioritize clearly, and act calmly without
being flustered. There is really no moment to ‘wish away’ or ‘wish to extend’.
Every moment is special and is asking for our fullest attention. The other way she helps me live in the moment
is to drop what I am doing when she wants to share something with me. Not all
the time and every time (it isn’t possible), but many times.
‘Living in the
moment’ is not to be confused with ‘not caring about or planning for the
future’. Even that planning happens one moment at a time. We travel a lot –
within and outside Chennai – to people’s homes, to interesting places to
explore. And there is a fair bit of planning involved in it – packing things,
mode of transportation, coming back before bed time, etc. But Isha inspires me
to make every thing a mindful and fun activity. No task is a chore. No moment
is dull. I’m learning to enjoy packing my bag (as if that were the whole
purpose of my being, in that moment of packing). Life takes on a different
colour when you live it moment by moment.
Quietening down. Children are
naturally quiet many times. Yes, even the most active and intense children naturally
like to spend time in silence. I’ve been learning to tag along and just be with
Isha when she is quiet, without disturbing it. Lazing on the bed when she wakes
up, going on walks, watching the ant. It amazes me how hard it is to simply ‘be
quiet’ and observe and soak in the experience without letting my noisy mind
take over. These days, I don’t let go of a single opportunity to experience
stillness and silence with Isha. I also think it is one of the greatest gifts
we can give our children, the gift of learning to stay still and silent. Actually,
they have it in themselves. Our gift to them would be ‘non-interference’ with
it.
Child rearing as worship. I’m learning to
see what an honour it is to watch a child grow and be a part of it. I’m
increasingly seeing it as a blessing from God; a gift placed on my hands with love
and trust. Every little thing that Isha did for the first time – there were at
least a few every day – has been a thing of such immense joy for me. I am not
talking about challenging moments, but quiet, cute, beautiful ones where
children do such beautiful things. I have felt more and more compelled to drop
everything simply to watch it. Like Swami Vivekananda said “Every soul is the Soul of God. Look upon
everyone as God. You can only serve. Serve the children of the Lord if you have
the privilege. If the Lord grants that you can help any of His children,
blessed you are. Blessed you are that that privilege was given to you when
others had it not. Do it only as worship.’
Every single time as if it were the first
time. Children love repetition. When Isha likes a story, song or a game,
she’d say ‘Once again!’ asking me to repeat it for her. And it can go on for as
many as twenty times without a break. Yes, telling her the story about how the
elephant went looking for water repeated twenty times. And each time, she’d
listen to it with rapt attention as if she were hearing it for the very first
time. When I sense irritation or boredom about narrating the story, I get the
cue that I am not tuned into the present moment. I quickly learn to look into
her wonder-filled eyes, let her excitement infect and inspire me, align with
the moment and repeat it once again. I realize that it is very special to
experience the elephant’s surprise at finding a tiny pond each time the story
is being narrated. It is an amazing exercise in building awareness. I go on
until my Zen-master is done with it herself.
Witnessing the miraculous in the mundane. “Amma, come look at
these ants.” Actually, I’ve never seen ants with the kind of amazement that
I’ve learnt to see them of late. They’ve always been around; been a nuisance.
At best, they have been tolerated. That’s about it. But actually they are one
of the most amazing creatures. When there is spilt food in the corner of the
room and ants come to get it, we just let it be and keep watching it once every
few minutes. They really clean up the place for us and leave! Isha can play
with her shadow against the light streaming in through the window without
getting bored about it. I am learning to see that the most mundane things can
be the most miraculous.
Connecting to people: Taking Isha’s
help, I have been able to connect to so many people I otherwise wouldn’t be
able to. Once we were sitting inside a
bus in a bus-stand. A frail old beggar came up to us and put his hand up asking
for alms. As I was reaching for my purse to get a few coins, Isha shook hands
with him thinking that that was what he was asking for. It immediately brought
such a beautiful smile onto his otherwise pained face. My eyes welled up! What
an unexpected, pleasant surprise it must have been for him! I’ve seen countless
long-faced people whom Isha is able to touch with her love, beauty and
innocence. It is so healing to watch their frowns turn into exuberant smiles
instantly! And I get to smile with them too. How often do we get to smile at
people who are frowning? She connects to table cleaners in restaurants and
ragpickers on the streets making them feel special. How easy is it for us
adults to be able to do that?
Exploring things I’ve never done or haven’t
done in a long time! Motherhood is a time to explore and get engrossed in
little things that we do less and less of as we grow older, and things that
were forbidden to do when we were young. Getting wet in the rain, dancing
wildly to music as she’d call out to me ‘Amma,
neeyum vaa!’ (please join me), singing along on the road, painting and
crafting, watching the stars and really taking it all very seriously; getting
really involved in life.
Understanding spirited children. Another
understanding that helped me a lot was about children who are more intense,
perceptive, energetic, persistent and sensitive. These children who can react
strongly to any disturbance are more spirited than normal. But our society
which likes ‘docile, quiet and obedient’ children who listen without
questioning or disagreeing, labels these spirited children as ‘problematic’. Isha is a demanding and intense child, and
very often reacts to things strongly. In spite of having a lot of freedom,
being spoken to respectfully, being given choices, she is a kid who would like
to assert herself, push my buttons, test my patience, stretch my boundaries, etc.
just to see my reactions. All toddlers who are figuring out their sense of
‘selfhood’ do these things. And her tantrums and crying can sometimes be
intense.
Understanding
‘spiritedness’ of children has helped me understand myself better. Times when
her reactions are strong or her demands high are reminders for me to ground
myself, take a deep breath and learn to diffuse the tension. The first step is
to ask her ‘What is it?’ It helps her express what her emotional reaction is
related to by pointing at the object (let us say, a book) that was taken away
from her, for instance. Then the next step is to help her get in touch with
what she is feeling and verbalise it. ‘Are you upset that the book was taken
away from you?’ She’d nod her head. ‘Do you know why? You were very angry and
were beginning to tear the book, which is not at all ok! I tried telling you
many times not to tear it, but you were not in a state of mind to listen to it.
And so I had to pull it away from you. Can I give you a hug until you feel ok?’
Well, she might agree or not depending on her mood. But at least, she’d soon settle
down knowing that she was heard, and seeing that what she actually went through
was acknowledged. And soon enough, she’d see that I was actually being reasonable.
Actually, this works with adults too. Getting in touch, acknowledging and
allowing the other person’s negative feelings without judging them, helps them feel
at ease and become more cooperative.
Learning to let go. Conscious
motherhood gives us a huge opportunity to learn to let go of our ideas about
many things. Like a father of six children said “Before my children were born,
I had six theories about raising children. Now, I have six children and no
theories.” Each moment unfolds with its share of surprises. What she loved
yesterday, she is completely disinterested today, and vice versa. Until
yesterday, Isha disliked coconut chutney so much. Somehow today, she called it
her ‘most favourite food’. If I ask Isha to come do something with me because
she loved doing it yesterday, she can surprise me by refusing and instead badly
wanting to do something that I begged her to do yesterday, which she had
refused to!
Feeling and expressing gratitude. The motherhood experience in an urban nuclear family setting can make it look like it's all loaded against the woman. It usually brings up a lot of issues for me about 'being a woman'. It took me a while to reconcile the fact that the mother's role is indeed different and more intense than the father's, and to be able to acknowledge all the wonderful ways that Rajeev was actually being there. Learning to express gratitude allows very soothing life-energy to flow through you! It really deepens relationships.
What about career? Though
I never had a 9-to-5 job, I did pursue my own career in ‘saving the world’. Activism
(wanting to change the world from an egoic space) is highly addictive. If we
don’t watch it carefully and do what we are doing from a perfectly grounded non-egoic
space, it can keep giving us a ‘kick’ that we are ‘doing something very
important, without which the world would go to the dogs!’ Well, I had been on
this trip for a very long time. Even as recently as when Isha was only seven months
old, I was actively involved in coordinating the campaign against Bt Brinjal. I
burnt myself out after three months of intense action, since so much was
already happening in my life even otherwise! In the first year of motherhood, I
liked to believe that my life wouldn’t change much at all after Isha. I wanted to be
unlike all other women, being able to do everything and carry on with life as
though birthing a child was just another event in my life. Until I got burnt
out and suffered exhaustion to the point of being forced to go on a retreat.
Slowing
down has helped me take a break from everything to be able to reflect on and take stock of many
things on many fronts; questioning my ‘work’, ‘relationships’, 'plans’, etc. Most times, all other jobs and
careers have paled in front on the most important job of all times, being a
conscious mother. And this retreat away from working on ‘social change’ has
made me get more in touch with my true inner callings, which would not take me to any of the things I used to do earlier. I badly needed this time and space to re-evaluate things in my life. And I am grateful for it!
I
personally don’t understand or feel the need for a career in my life. I know of
some others who do, like being a dancer, singer and such. I am not to say what would be
good balance for them! What is working for me is to live my motherhood fully,
while getting short but regular breaks to do my own things.
Predictable breaks. Deciding
to make my breaks more regular and predictable also helped hugely to remove anxiety.
Once I started knowing when exactly to expect my space and time, I could relax
more easily and be with Isha more fully. Yes, it’s absolutely important for the
mother to find alone time, finding expression for things that cannot in the
presence of a child. Again, let’s remember that never before in history has the
mother had to spend all her time engaging with children. All said and done, it
is unnatural. Haven’t we all heard our mothers say “Those days, kids just grew
up on their own!” The truth is that there was an entire community of people who
the child grew up with; community of neighbours and extended family.
* I hope this post does not read like 'I have attained enlightenment'. :) I have a very very long way to go. There are a lot of times that I lose it, feel frustrated, complain, give unwillingly, etc. But yes, I've wholly set myself up on the journey and it has been incredibly rewarding so far.
* Though I take a lot of inspiration from books such as ‘Raising your Spirited Children’ and ‘Buddhism for Mothers’, I find that they don’t question the larger framework of the modern society. It takes the ‘schools’, ‘offices’, ‘nuclear families living in apartments’ etc as the given and helps us with tools to cope with that living. But I think that such a lifestyle is itself unnatural and unhealthy. The way I use these tools is to find my peace in this moment, but keep my questions about fundamentally restructuring our lives from that grounded space.
'Buddhism for Mothers' can be downloaded here.
Raising your spirited child can be downloaded here.
* This article won’t be complete without acknowledging the role of family
and friends in holding the space during emotional melt-downs, and taking over
whenever I felt exhausted. :)