After that, I went through a two-year long assessment journey to get formally identified by a registered psychologist. I personally led and drove the process with support from close family. I have been identified as being severely autistic. This specific manifestation is called High-Functioning Autism or Asperger’s Syndrome.
The reason I would like to write on this topic is four-fold.
One, for my close friends and family. Sharing about my journey in writing can help us skip the basic FAQs and dive deeper in our conversations, for those interested.
Two, for everyone out there who is suffering from autistic burnout without proper diagnosis! There are so many adults like me who are high-functioning and hence not identified as autistic when younger. We can make eye-contact, articulate our thoughts quite well, be socially not too awkward, are above-average intelligent, etc. But since we end up using our brain for the purposes and in ways that are very different from what they have been designed for, we keep getting into burnouts which almost always get misdiagnosed as depression, which they are not. And hence never addressed. We are traumatised from being told “you have some deep trauma you need to get in touch with” all our lives! (I have so much to share about my discoveries around trauma and trauma work! :) I hope to be able to contribute to a better understanding about this condition for those who might be in it, so that they are able to find the right kind of help.
Three, for the larger human collective. The autistic brain is a fascinating one that is blessed with gifts that the world really urgently needs today. It is imperative that we recognise and acknowledge people blessed with this kind of brain, so that autistic people are freed up from old paradigm roles, and the drive to “train us to fit us into the mainstream”. If we can collectively recognise another kind of role that we need more people to play, then perhaps Life itself can travel up the evolutionary spiral quicker, and save itself from the impending catastrophe. This doesn’t make us super-humans. Like we are gifted in some ways, we are also limited and challenged in some other ways, and need to learn many things others are adept at. But with proper understanding about how our brains are wired, it is possible to do this without fear, stress, shame and guilt. It is possible to do this while we embrace and celebrate ourselves for who we are!
Finally, for myself. I have gathered so much knowledge and experience on this topic that I am beginning to feel burdened holding it all in my head. Since writing is part of my swadharma, I feel the need to put them all down somewhere, irrespective of how many actually read it.
Over the past two years, from close family members to strangers (in context) with whom I have shared that I am autistic, have responded with different questions and comments. I plan to explore each of them in a separate post. Here is a sample.
* But you are so articulate, and have so much work to show. You cannot be autistic.
* What does autistic burnout look like? What are your symptoms?
* (I’ve been on medication.) Isn’t medication addictive? Does it not have side effects? You need to try alternatives to get out of your medication, asap!
* You have been working too much, thinking too much about everything in this world, processing too much information. And that’s mostly why you’ve developed this condition, whatever the label.
* Why label anything? Why limit yourself with this label, even if it is true?
* Maybe you are mildly autistic, if at all. And I’m sure you will recover with proper treatment.
* Everybody is possibly somewhere on the Autism Spectrum. Now that I think about it, I possibly have many of your signs, symptoms and behaviours too!
* You are not autistic. You might have some autistic traits, from some unresolved trauma lodged in your system.
The reason I would like to write on this topic is four-fold.
One, for my close friends and family. Sharing about my journey in writing can help us skip the basic FAQs and dive deeper in our conversations, for those interested.
Two, for everyone out there who is suffering from autistic burnout without proper diagnosis! There are so many adults like me who are high-functioning and hence not identified as autistic when younger. We can make eye-contact, articulate our thoughts quite well, be socially not too awkward, are above-average intelligent, etc. But since we end up using our brain for the purposes and in ways that are very different from what they have been designed for, we keep getting into burnouts which almost always get misdiagnosed as depression, which they are not. And hence never addressed. We are traumatised from being told “you have some deep trauma you need to get in touch with” all our lives! (I have so much to share about my discoveries around trauma and trauma work! :) I hope to be able to contribute to a better understanding about this condition for those who might be in it, so that they are able to find the right kind of help.
Three, for the larger human collective. The autistic brain is a fascinating one that is blessed with gifts that the world really urgently needs today. It is imperative that we recognise and acknowledge people blessed with this kind of brain, so that autistic people are freed up from old paradigm roles, and the drive to “train us to fit us into the mainstream”. If we can collectively recognise another kind of role that we need more people to play, then perhaps Life itself can travel up the evolutionary spiral quicker, and save itself from the impending catastrophe. This doesn’t make us super-humans. Like we are gifted in some ways, we are also limited and challenged in some other ways, and need to learn many things others are adept at. But with proper understanding about how our brains are wired, it is possible to do this without fear, stress, shame and guilt. It is possible to do this while we embrace and celebrate ourselves for who we are!
Finally, for myself. I have gathered so much knowledge and experience on this topic that I am beginning to feel burdened holding it all in my head. Since writing is part of my swadharma, I feel the need to put them all down somewhere, irrespective of how many actually read it.
Over the past two years, from close family members to strangers (in context) with whom I have shared that I am autistic, have responded with different questions and comments. I plan to explore each of them in a separate post. Here is a sample.
* But you are so articulate, and have so much work to show. You cannot be autistic.
* What does autistic burnout look like? What are your symptoms?
* (I’ve been on medication.) Isn’t medication addictive? Does it not have side effects? You need to try alternatives to get out of your medication, asap!
* You have been working too much, thinking too much about everything in this world, processing too much information. And that’s mostly why you’ve developed this condition, whatever the label.
* Why label anything? Why limit yourself with this label, even if it is true?
* Maybe you are mildly autistic, if at all. And I’m sure you will recover with proper treatment.
* Everybody is possibly somewhere on the Autism Spectrum. Now that I think about it, I possibly have many of your signs, symptoms and behaviours too!
* You are not autistic. You might have some autistic traits, from some unresolved trauma lodged in your system.
* Have you tried yoga, pranayama and meditation?
Disclaimer: High-functioning Autism / Asperger's Syndrome shows up very differently in different people. I don’t claim to understand the condition itself fully. It has taken me two years to understand only one person, i.e. myself, through this new lens. And perhaps a few others through conversations. So, whatever I write cannot be generalised to the entire autistic population.
Apology: While I am happy to receive emails and comments, my ability to respond depends on my condition and also the number of messages I receive. So, please do not take my non-response personally. And also, my posts may not be very coherent, because of my cognition impairment. But I am going to embrace this and write anyways, and perhaps have it edited by someone at some point later, if needed.
Disclaimer: High-functioning Autism / Asperger's Syndrome shows up very differently in different people. I don’t claim to understand the condition itself fully. It has taken me two years to understand only one person, i.e. myself, through this new lens. And perhaps a few others through conversations. So, whatever I write cannot be generalised to the entire autistic population.
Apology: While I am happy to receive emails and comments, my ability to respond depends on my condition and also the number of messages I receive. So, please do not take my non-response personally. And also, my posts may not be very coherent, because of my cognition impairment. But I am going to embrace this and write anyways, and perhaps have it edited by someone at some point later, if needed.
1 comment:
Much needed demystification around autisticality. When you know your condition, you can play to your strengths and be aware of deficits. Funny how humans are so uncomfortable around mental health labels/diagnoses but religiously adhere to and value physical health diagnoses/labels like diabetes. Its as if the brain is not a part of our bodies!
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