There are three ways of parenting.
The first one is the conditioned parenting. The parent has very little ability to self-reflect. She is so disconnected from her emotional being, and has very little or no idea about how her parents' treatment of her has impacted it. She does everything to her child the way that her mother did it to her. Her mom had spanked her. And so, she spanks her daughter. When you ask her about it, she's likely to say "My mom did this to me, and look, I've turned out just fine!"
The second one is the reactive parenting. The parent self-reflects and understands to a fair degree the damage some unhealthy treatment by his parents has had on his emotional being. He says "I will never do to my child what my dad did to me!" and swings to the other end. His dad had constantly violated his space. And so, he will let his life be organised around his son's life, and give up his space for his son.
I see parents who have a lot of difficulty in saying 'No' to their kids, in drawing healthy boundaries for them, fall in this category. They seek their permission for everything. They "sacrifice" their space for their sons and daughters. Oh yes, and decades later, say with resentment "I gave up everything for you, and look what you did to me!" Playing the victim and the whole works, you know?
The third is the healed parenting. The parent neither behaves out of conditioning, nor reacts taking the opposite stand. The parent aspires to heal from both conditioning and reacting, and learns to draw (and teaches by learning and living with) healthy boundaries on both sides.
I am the second category in my unconscious moments (which is most of the time), and the third in my conscious moments.
Where do you locate yourself?
The first one is the conditioned parenting. The parent has very little ability to self-reflect. She is so disconnected from her emotional being, and has very little or no idea about how her parents' treatment of her has impacted it. She does everything to her child the way that her mother did it to her. Her mom had spanked her. And so, she spanks her daughter. When you ask her about it, she's likely to say "My mom did this to me, and look, I've turned out just fine!"
The second one is the reactive parenting. The parent self-reflects and understands to a fair degree the damage some unhealthy treatment by his parents has had on his emotional being. He says "I will never do to my child what my dad did to me!" and swings to the other end. His dad had constantly violated his space. And so, he will let his life be organised around his son's life, and give up his space for his son.
I see parents who have a lot of difficulty in saying 'No' to their kids, in drawing healthy boundaries for them, fall in this category. They seek their permission for everything. They "sacrifice" their space for their sons and daughters. Oh yes, and decades later, say with resentment "I gave up everything for you, and look what you did to me!" Playing the victim and the whole works, you know?
The third is the healed parenting. The parent neither behaves out of conditioning, nor reacts taking the opposite stand. The parent aspires to heal from both conditioning and reacting, and learns to draw (and teaches by learning and living with) healthy boundaries on both sides.
I am the second category in my unconscious moments (which is most of the time), and the third in my conscious moments.
Where do you locate yourself?
3 comments:
I am not sure which specific category I belong to between the second and third, but I am not in the first category for sure.
True post.Thank you for sharing
It's good to hear the popularity of home learning in other countries also. I love the way how parents are adopting this form of learning. It was a great read. Thanks!
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