Appa

Exactly 6 months ago on April 20th, my Appa moved on from his body. And today, October 21st is his 92nd birth anniversary. And after processing his life and death and my relationship with him for the past six months, I now feel ready to write my eulogy for him.

My siblings and I grew up without much of a relationship with him. Some of us were scared of him, and some of us simply disconnected, as he was someone who did not know what it meant to connect with others, show his love or care. Besides asking for permission, or asking if I could bring him his dinner plate, I had never spoken to my Appa until I was 23.

Since I was the last child, I had the opportunity to spend many years with my parents after my other siblings had flown away from the nest, and hence the opportunity to start asserting myself openly with appa, and healing my relationship with him.

When I was 23, I gifted Appa with his favourite pastel-shade bombay-dyeing bedspread. Until then, he had never been gifted anything on his birthday! He received the gift with the glee of a child, and something fundamentally shifted in our relationship. I started having brief conversations with him. I had an honest conversation with him to tell him that I didn’t want to get married to someone random, and that I will let him know if and when I find someone. And to my shock, he said “Sure. It is important to me that you are happy. Let us know when and if you feel ready to marry someone.” I hadn’t expected this from Appa, who I had only known as the strict, stern patriarch. But he really said this! And then over the years, he mellowed and softened. And as I grew older, we had a more of a relationship to speak of. But his basic personality remained.

During the pandemic, as my parents moved in with us, I started spending more time with him. He soon developed dementia and had a few falls that weakened him. The last two years of his life were absolutely transformational for him and for us. Due to his dementia, he started recalling and sharing stories from when he was a boy and a young adult; stories I had never heard before. That helped me get a glimpse of his inner world. My closeness with Appa and my empathy for him grew.

All my memories of having had a challenging time growing up with Appa have faded away over the past two years. My Appa to me today is someone who lived a life of

… integrity. He refused to be corrupt during his time working for the Southern Railways, and hence got transferred every other year!

… generosity. He always helped anyone who came and asked him for help.

… deep empathy for anyone in suffering, especially voiceless animals and those living on the streets. “I go to Vinayagar temple every chaturti so that I can buy flowers and fruits from the local vendors. Their livelihoods depend on us.”

… gratitude. He often said “God has blessed me with abundance, and it will be a sin to not share with others in need”.

… passion for carnatic music, and train engines and coaches.

Appa joined the Southern Railways in his teens (due to his family’s financial situation) as a foreman and served there for 45 years. Even though he had only graduated from his 12th grade, due to his dedication and hard work, he got promoted through his time there and retired as the Deputy Chief Mechanical Engineer; a remarkable achievement. He was always present during rescue operations after train derailment and crashes, sacrificing his rest and food.

Appa loved carnatic music, especially that of Ariyakudi Ramanuja Iyengar. He was an avid cassette collector, especially of the stalwarts of the early and mid 90s, and had one of the largest collections that were played all the time in our home. I owe my knowledge of music to all those years growing up listening to them!

He was a fan of old English classics like Benhur, and Shakespearean poetry, which he used to recite with ease. His favourite two lines were from the Hamlet “neither a borrower nor a lender be, for loan oft loses both itself and friend”. He lived by this too and always gave away money to those in need without keeping track or expecting it to be returned.

Appa was an avid boom-box collector! He had one to pay the Vishnu Sahasranamam, another one to play Ariyakudi, another one for FM, a walkman for his terrace walks and so on.

Appa loved dogs, which I got to know only when he moved into Auroville. He shared a special relationship with Julie, and made sure that her biscuit container was never empty. Julie sat in front of our house for many days after Appa passed away.

During his last few months, Appa suffered a lot both in his physical body and mind. But, he was constantly in prayer – reciting 'Raghupati Rāghava Rājārām Patīta Pāvana Sītārām' and always saying “I am doing well. I have no complaints. Everyone around me is taking very good care of me. Stay blessed.” When he once had a bad fall, he started chanting 'Srī Ganeśa Pāhimām. Jai Ganeśa Rakṣamām' even while still on the floor bleeding! And continued on for the next few days. Over the last few years, I received the wonderful gift of being able to experience his strength and devotion.

Appa, I feel so grateful for being born to you and hope to live by the values that you embodied. 

I know that you are in a good place now. And here’s wishing you a peaceful onward journey!