Before I became a mother, I used to wonder how many mothers managed to chatter so much with their little ones. I know some who would constantly talk to them, asking, telling, showing, instructing them… I used to be in awe of these mothers. “How do they do this!?” I used to wonder, aspiring to be like them.
When Isha was born, I started out with pretty quiet times with her. There is not much you can talk to a new-born! I then slowly began to talk a little. Before I realized, I was giving her a running commentary of my life as it went on! "Kannamma, look at this mess amma has made of this sambar! But, what will amma do? She did't have all the right ingredients, and this is the best she could pull off! Now, do you think amma trying is to cover up her pathetic culinary skills?" and on and on...
I am realizing there is not much fun or wisdom in doing so. I am realizing that, in the process, we mothers are only dumping all the constant noisy chatter in our heads on to the little ones. I am realizing that they are not here to listen to our noises about what we have made out of the world around us. They are here to explore and make sense of their world in their own ways. It is a matter of tuning in to know when to engage with a child, when to leave her alone, sitting back and watching to learn from her assuming the simple role of a care-giver, protecting her from dangers and removing obstacles in her own exploration. Very similar to Fukuoka's do-nothing farming philosophy!
These days, when I catch myself being chattery, I consciously quieten down, trying to listen deeply to what Isha has to share with me. (It’s a lot!) I am learning to simply smile back, nod my head, give her a hug, and when necessary, answer in a word or two, and I have a long way to go! And it is an experience so powerful that I don’t have enough command over English to write about it!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Not all... Sometimes...
Not all those who wander are lost.
Sometimes wandering can be deeply purposeful.
Not all those who leave are cowards.
Sometimes leaving can be an act of tremendous courage.
Not all those who drop their bags are weary.
Sometimes dropping them can spring out of energy drawn from clarity about the meaninglessness of carrying some of them.
Not all those who sit around "doing nothing" are self-absorbed.
Sometimes "doing nothing" can be an act of unlimited responsibility.
Not all those who are harsh are violent.
Sometimes being harsh can be an act of non-violence and deep compassion.
Not all those who break down and cry are weak.
Sometimes crying can come from a space of a lot of strength.
And it is those, and only those, who are wandering, leaving, dropping, doing nothing, being harsh, breaking down and crying, who know whether their action springs from wisdom or pain.
Sometimes wandering can be deeply purposeful.
Not all those who leave are cowards.
Sometimes leaving can be an act of tremendous courage.
Not all those who drop their bags are weary.
Sometimes dropping them can spring out of energy drawn from clarity about the meaninglessness of carrying some of them.
Not all those who sit around "doing nothing" are self-absorbed.
Sometimes "doing nothing" can be an act of unlimited responsibility.
Not all those who are harsh are violent.
Sometimes being harsh can be an act of non-violence and deep compassion.
Not all those who break down and cry are weak.
Sometimes crying can come from a space of a lot of strength.
And it is those, and only those, who are wandering, leaving, dropping, doing nothing, being harsh, breaking down and crying, who know whether their action springs from wisdom or pain.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Trusting
Parenting is a wonderful opportunity to test out many of our theories about human behaviour. One of my favourite ones is about trust. ‘The more you trust someone, the more trust-worthy they are likely to be.’
Right from the day Isha was born, I had to constantly remind myself that I had to first earn her trust. I’d inform her every time I’d leave her and give her my reassurance that I’d be back, and never slipped out when she was not watching (which I’ve been suggested to do many times!). I’d give her as honest information as possible about what was going to be done to her, like piercing her ears, for instance, always giving her reassurance. I’ve refrained (with conscious awareness) from giving her messages that might erode her self-confidence, messages of distrust like ‘You are going to break it, you’re going to fall, etc.’
These days, when Isha wants to drink water out of her ‘elephant’ ceramic cup, she does it all by herself taking great care and placing it back gently, saying to herself "gentle, gentle'. During our bus ride today, she wanted to keep the bus ticket. All I told her was to ‘keep it carefully because it was an important piece of paper’. She looked at it for a long time and held it tightly, as she gazed out of the window. About twenty minutes into the ride, she said “Amma, inthaa (here)” and handed it over to me carefully. She is mostly careful with everything. When she does slip once in a while, she tells herself “Isha, paathu paathu” (Isha, careful careful).
So friends, it does work! If it works with Isha, it has to work with all of life!!
Right from the day Isha was born, I had to constantly remind myself that I had to first earn her trust. I’d inform her every time I’d leave her and give her my reassurance that I’d be back, and never slipped out when she was not watching (which I’ve been suggested to do many times!). I’d give her as honest information as possible about what was going to be done to her, like piercing her ears, for instance, always giving her reassurance. I’ve refrained (with conscious awareness) from giving her messages that might erode her self-confidence, messages of distrust like ‘You are going to break it, you’re going to fall, etc.’
These days, when Isha wants to drink water out of her ‘elephant’ ceramic cup, she does it all by herself taking great care and placing it back gently, saying to herself "gentle, gentle'. During our bus ride today, she wanted to keep the bus ticket. All I told her was to ‘keep it carefully because it was an important piece of paper’. She looked at it for a long time and held it tightly, as she gazed out of the window. About twenty minutes into the ride, she said “Amma, inthaa (here)” and handed it over to me carefully. She is mostly careful with everything. When she does slip once in a while, she tells herself “Isha, paathu paathu” (Isha, careful careful).
So friends, it does work! If it works with Isha, it has to work with all of life!!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Effective parenting
Every time I sit down to read a book on parenting, my focus slowly turns from Isha to my own conditioning from the past, my wounds and fears, my fragmentation and hypocracies, etc. I am now convinced that truly effective parenting can come only from deepening our own life experience, working on transforming into integrated beings ourselves. If parenting is understood as a collection of techniques to be put into practice, it will remain hollow and ineffective. The best way we can be effective parents (or even educators, for that matter) is by being a source of inspiration. I read somewhere "Aspire to inspire, before you expire". That aspiration to inspire is the only way to effectively parent.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Call for urgent action!
Our civilization is coming crashing down. The most recent US President Cancer Panel Report says that 41% of the American population will be diagnosed of cancer in their lifetime. And 21% will die from it. A great garbage patch of plastic 700,000 sq.km. is floating in the deep Pacific ocean (slowly expanding to cover our oceans completely) silently killing trillions of tiny fish. Coastal neighbourhoods are disappearing under the seas. Trees which can tell us the stories of our ancestors are being razed to the ground by the millions. Seeds of life are being burnt in huge piles.
Humankind’s timeline is limited unlike any other time in its history. Carcinogens and neurotoxins are accumulating in our tissues at a pace we cannot even imagine. We are all waiting in line to pop off out of some disease or the other. We are running out of time, whether we like it or not.
We’ve wasted much precious time in fragmentation. Our fragmented minds have fragmented the problems, created fragmented organizations that come up with fragmented solutions for fragmented action, fragmenting the world more and even more. We have the healthy and the unhealthy, the loving and the hating, the democratic and the undemocratic, the eco-friendly and the uneco-friendly, the feminist and the chauvinist, the educated and the uneducated, the communist and the capitalist, the right and the left. We’ve wasted much time.
We need to radically reinvent ourselves in order to survive in his human form and evolve our consciousness before we die out as a race. In order to do that, we need to reorganize ourselves in radical ways. Fearless people need to lead these ways.
In this radical re-organization,
Computer and cell phone screens will be more 'off' and people will spend more time face to face creating real communities.
Men will sit together to sing and cry to heal from the assault of their ‘man masks’.
Women will reclaim their power through their bleeding every month.
Children will be teachers, running around naked, exploring the world and expressing in uninhibited ways.
Hands and feet will sweat out of labour and joy.
Bodies will be treated like temples.
Every article will be created with a song of its own, and every service will be a joyous offering, and they will all be gifts and not transactable commodities.
Men and women won’t find much meaning in or reason to dictate nature.
Art will be created and not consumed.
No one will find anyone to ‘clean their toilets’ for them out of no choice.
Offensive men and women will be welcomed with love, and listened to their pains and fears.
All the material waste will be delicious food for mother nature.
Old people will be served with great kindness and gratitude.
A deep silence will hold all the music and celebration together, along with mindless noise, if there be.
And we need to do this urgently!
Humankind’s timeline is limited unlike any other time in its history. Carcinogens and neurotoxins are accumulating in our tissues at a pace we cannot even imagine. We are all waiting in line to pop off out of some disease or the other. We are running out of time, whether we like it or not.
We’ve wasted much precious time in fragmentation. Our fragmented minds have fragmented the problems, created fragmented organizations that come up with fragmented solutions for fragmented action, fragmenting the world more and even more. We have the healthy and the unhealthy, the loving and the hating, the democratic and the undemocratic, the eco-friendly and the uneco-friendly, the feminist and the chauvinist, the educated and the uneducated, the communist and the capitalist, the right and the left. We’ve wasted much time.
We need to radically reinvent ourselves in order to survive in his human form and evolve our consciousness before we die out as a race. In order to do that, we need to reorganize ourselves in radical ways. Fearless people need to lead these ways.
In this radical re-organization,
Computer and cell phone screens will be more 'off' and people will spend more time face to face creating real communities.
Men will sit together to sing and cry to heal from the assault of their ‘man masks’.
Women will reclaim their power through their bleeding every month.
Children will be teachers, running around naked, exploring the world and expressing in uninhibited ways.
Hands and feet will sweat out of labour and joy.
Bodies will be treated like temples.
Every article will be created with a song of its own, and every service will be a joyous offering, and they will all be gifts and not transactable commodities.
Men and women won’t find much meaning in or reason to dictate nature.
Art will be created and not consumed.
No one will find anyone to ‘clean their toilets’ for them out of no choice.
Offensive men and women will be welcomed with love, and listened to their pains and fears.
All the material waste will be delicious food for mother nature.
Old people will be served with great kindness and gratitude.
A deep silence will hold all the music and celebration together, along with mindless noise, if there be.
And we need to do this urgently!
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