Knowing

When I know it in my head,
I'm usually quite wary of it.

When I know it in my heart,
I'm more likely to trust it.

When I know it in my index finger,
in between my toes,
behind my ears,
on the tip of my nose,
in my ribs and all sorts of unexpected places,
I know it just has to be my truth!

I need my time to fill my cup!

My dear one,
I know that you are upset that I haven't been giving of myself enough.

Though I see what you are saying,
though I want to give,
the truth is that
I cannot, just as yet, give.

Because my ego is,
alternately,
wallowing in its guilt for having not given, and
spewing out in anger that you challenged it.
And my 'giving' now would only be a reaction to them.

For if I try to give out of guilt,
it will not be 'giving' at all.
For I'd be trying to pour out of an empty cup,
and only causing frustration to see nothing come out.

For if I try to give out of anger,
I won't be giving you what I intend to.
For all that would pour out of my cup would be poison,
disguised, and very poorly at that,
as nectar.

Please give me time.
I need it to pray;
to surrender my anger and guilt to God,
so that they can be transformed into love and fullness.

I can then pour out of a cup filled with nectar,
and hopefully endlessly,
because "giving gives more to give".
Yes, so I've heard.

If the wait is painful,
then I shall pray for your strength and patience.
Could you please wait? 
I need my time to fill my cup!